walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
