theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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