When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
how drunk are you?
Several
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
