it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
