apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
