What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
