gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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