D3 body, D1 cock
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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