Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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