Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
