"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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