Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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