I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize