i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
