i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
