I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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