you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
