come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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