you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
