his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
