hotel room ftw
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
