girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
