I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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