so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
