tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
