Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
