you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
