I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
