Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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