I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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