I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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