im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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