Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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