The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
