I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have post one night stand depression
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