My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
organizing the empties. That sober.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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