pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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