I want to make a zoo with you.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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