You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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