She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
