Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
