What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
