I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just want to make out with him forever
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
