yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
