Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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