Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
