If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
