I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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