I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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