Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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