It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
