anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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