Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
