Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
