He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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