Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
