I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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