Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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