I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
