And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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