So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
